Home Fires Burning

Once i was home.

i was home to my family
my body housed life and suffered death
i lay in solitude, listening to him breath
listening to the quiet ticking of the clock.

it was Tuesday, late when
he staggered to our bed
still wearing that damned fedora
and her perfume
and nothing else

i was lonely, and miserable that night
crying in the dark with my eyes closed,
while he rode the waves of pleasure
and i could smell her all over him

i felt so small
my fingers tracing the scratches she left behind
when he came, it was inside me
calling her name and
it scalded like tears
when he rolled away,
murmuring her name again
as he drifted to sleep.

i lay alone, last Tuesday
shivering in the lightness room
in an effort to be silent, in mourning
i just wanted contact
i needed to be warm
i needed to feel something
other than the numb cold

stuck struggling with the knowledge
that he was elsewhere, often
wondering why i’m not enough
trapped here, while he snores

it is Tuesday evening, again
i pace the gleaming wooden floors
eyes on the clock on the mantel
eyes on the front door.
I made this hell a home

there are no children
to fill the empty hallways
the long empty days last forever
and when night falls,
the cobwebs flutter and
the ghosts flitter through
the in-between spaces

they dance and knock on the walls
sometimes they cast shadows on the glass
they become people with the endless chatter
endless opinions
endless questions
unable to grasp my sorrow
but with a solution

so today, I hid in the darkened parlour
choosing to stop the insistent fight
and let my sanity skip and slip
I drank champagne and ate oranges
danced barefoot on the thorny line
where my sanity capered and
cried until I laughed

i’m still laughing

he begs and pleads from the bed
wearing that stupid fedora

there, where I said my last goodbye
where I painted it with my tongue and
carved my name into his flesh
when he filled me with his tainted seed

the air is heavy
with the scent of fire, and ringing screams

Outside the sirens wail and
inside, he thrashes and writhes
burning in our bed

i watch him struggle
fingering the stem
of my champagne glass and
lift my other hand
placing it under my chin
in thought and reflection

then pull the trigger with a smile

Erect Thorn, Bare Windows

Fearsome.
You are fearsome, lady,
from those eyes that hide some kind of
beautiful brain that coincides perfectly
with the savage monster you hide inside
oh I pretend that I don’t notice
or care but I do and I want to not be
like all the others but baby,
you’re killing me here
It isn’t just my blood pressure that rises
whenever you walk by, ai, I can’t help but stare,
Gods…that derrière,
Yeah stop looking at me like I’m
some kind of prédateur, mon amour,
You have no worry from me, you see,
All this is secret, trapped in my mind,
Because I can barely breathe when you’re near
Let alone speak, or meet your eyes
other than the occasional glance in
The mirrored reflection, it’s distracting

God I wish I could say hello.

@MelanieMcCurdie2016

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bones don’t lie

There’s a woman in the mirror
that I barely recognise –
maybe a little around the eyes
and in the ghost of a smile
that seems to tremble on the verge
of – I’m not sure but I empathise
with the wistfulness that lies
behind the false facade window dressing
you know, maybe it’s a blessing in disguise
that I don’t know this
beautiful wretched creature
with the sad longing eyes
she’s not what she used to be
the truth lays like bones
in the tears that threaten to spill
and I’d give anything to see them
overflow happy rather than hide
the misery away behind a
deep-seated desire to just fade away.

©MelanieMcCurdie2016