the chesterfield

I used to overflow

Sitting on a sofa
Chesterfield
Couch, whatever.

Thighs spilled over edges
Although not a lot
And my gut filled my lap
More than the kids ever did
Shortness of breath from walking
Down the street was more common
Than breathlessness for any other reason

Today I sat in the same place
On different furniture
In the corner and
I barely filled half of the cushion

Nothing to spill over
And there was room on my lap
for my bigger baby boy
And the mutt
Although not a lot

Having no air comes from
Beauty rather than fear of death
From lack of breath

Somehow, even with my hands
Resting on the new points
and jutting edges
And the image that the mirror shows
I still don’t feel like me

©MelanieMcCurdie2017

tItHe AnD tImE

I was a good and faithful daughter.

I paid my tithe and I paid my time
and I paid my dues
I payed for my sins and
prayed for my soul
prayed for forgiveness
for sins I hadn’t committed yet
All because my ancestors
grandparents, my parents, did
because a man in a robe told me I should
I must, he said –
You must
Now your head and pray for forgiveness
Pray for your sins to be washed away
Pray for your eternal reward

Pray?
Pray to what?
To whom?
Pray to a God that professed
His Love
His devotion in return for mine
For His Forgiveness
But stood idly watching
Floated by on His Heavenly Perch
Waiting while I suffered
Like some Silent Stalkery Saviour
While I pled and pleaded

God,
Our Father.
My Father
Help me be a better person
Help him not be angry anymore
I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong
I know I deserve it but I don’t know why

Save Me
Please don’t forsake me
God Please Make It Stop
I’ll pray harder
I’ll Do Better
I’ll do anything
God, please

The mindless begging
Became a realisation that
I am and was my own God
My own Saviour

I Saved Me.
No one else did


©MelanieMcCurdie2017

Crybaby

This morning I did something I have never done before –
while the children were bickering
and the telephone was ringing
and the television blaring –
I snuck off to the powder room
and quietly closed the door
and then I slid down to the floor
then with my elbows on my knees
and my heart in my hands.
I cried on the floor  facing the throne
I cried like a baby as silently as possible
so as not to be overheard.
Felt that my heart was breaking…
there are so many reasons
that it’s difficult to pinpoint one.
but I think it’s mostly that
I’ve spent my life trying to be
everything and enough,
the one with a voice.
And I’ve discovered that
I have no voice to speak of.

It’s a hard row to hoe

 

I am –

Who am I? It depends,  I suppose,  in which context you ask as to my answers,  but, in general:

I am a human female,

but resent the human part.

It’s an unnecessary affirmation that

pokes at a sore spot, frankly.

I still have most of my original parts,

though my requests for

harvesting certain organs

are continuously denied.

I am Canadian.

I live where the

wintertime hurts my face

and it’s always a little chilly

even in summer,

but it is home and beautiful.

I am one who admires

the human form

but doesn’t understand

its fragility or its emotional responses.

Wasteful expenditures of energy.

I am a music lover

who thinks music found in films,

in most forms,

is like nails on the chalkboard

and is a hideous effort at torture.

I am a mother and

they are daemons of the best sort.

Also boys.

You can’t win them all.

I am an apparition,

ghost, if you will.

A memory

of something

that once

was.

I am –

©MelanieMcCurdie2016

but you love me right?

I talk, for once, about my feelings
and you get angry, or tune me out
Or just flat out ignore
But hey, you love me right?

I can sit for hours and listen to
This and that about who and what
About everything under the sun
Until I start to discuss matters of
Importance.
Somehow the conversation gets derailed
Back to you.
But hey, you love me right?

I’m struggling. Badly.
So much on my mind that I’m lost
And I have nowhere to turn.
There’s no one around that doesn’t
Appear to view me as a tool.
But hey, you love me right?

I wish I could believe it.

Reactions may vary

Do you think me pretentious
Or just inane because I refuse to kneel
After a lifetime on my knees
Praying to a nonexistent God
Or bowed to the will of another
I’ve done my time in Hell

Thank you for not shoving your belief
Down my throat
If I wanted a religious facefuck
I’d google it, so thanks again

If I appear rude
It’s because I am being so
Blame it on the snow in California
Or on social media and what have you
But stop asking me to prey to a dead deity
There is no God.

Maybe once upon a time I could buy it
Now as an adult it could never be
God abandoned me for greener pastures
See ya buhbuye!!  He waved hello
To the age’d averages in Florida
Or blew himself up in space
Who the fuck knows

Zealots and factionists
Come in all shapes and sizes
Even grow in your own backyard,
according to the media mongers,
History speaks volumes if you care to listen
All the religions in the human experience
Started with LOVE
One has to wonder when love became hate

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©MelanieMcCurdie2016

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