I remember all too well
that agonising thread of fear,
the disbelief and then
the anvil that takes out your will,
your ability to stay sane.

Steals your breath, it does,
it steals your mind,
giggling silver bells and then –
– then, everything stops.

Your heart freezes,
it catches and beats, then stutters again,
pounding heavily in your ears,
and you wonder why?
WHY?!
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHY?

Then you begin to torture yourself
with the constant replay,
the what ifs and the maybes,
just to be sure there wasn’t one action
one word
anything that could’ve changed the outcome
The helplessness
It threatens to turn you weak sister,
and in spite of the brutal pep-talk,
the only you can do is sit and shatter.

I understand the rage
at not being able to change a thing,
at the inability go back and do something
that could affect the outcome.

Desperate to wake up from the horror

But no, it’s all real,
every horrid moment of this nightmare
is not a dream
bot an alternate reality.

Real.
Final, forever and you think.
With a sigh, why?
Just…why?

I remember.
I understand

©MelanieMcCurdie2016

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