Pills

Pills

They make them look so pretty
Brightly coloured like candy
Anyone who has taken antibiotics
Knows this is a baldfaced cheat
They do not taste like jellybeans

They do make a nifty rattle though
Like a lame ass maraca
If you are stuck for accompaniment

They tell lies
Like it’ll be quieter
Or you’ll be able to think
Or you’ll be able to smile



Quieter would be nice
I think too much so fuck that
Smile …

Truth is
I don’t see much to smile about. I’m trying find that silver lining
And it’s an exhausting task
I’m struggling and I’ve fallen silent
Because I can’t speak

Four words to describe my last effort

Colossal Waste Of Time

Pills.
They lie.
If I listened to them,
Life would be roses and peaceful
I’d be able to think
I’d have forever to enjoy it too
Because I’d be in the ground.

They do make a nifty rattle though.

©MelanieMcCurdie2016

 

 

 

How I feel

I’m pretty sure that I’m fundamentally broken. It’s the only real reason I can even think of to explain why I’m so impossible to love. Why it’s so difficult to find the same respect in speaking to me as others receive. Maybe I expect too much, and that’s why. Or maybe I’m too thin now. Or too ugly. Or … maybe I just deserve all the misery. If Goddess exists, and I have no faith in that at all, if She hates me so much, I wish She’d end me already; save me the torture of doing yet another job alone.

I’ve never felt less beautiful, less useful, more worthless or more invisible than I do right now. I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror because I don’t want to vomit again. I have nothing left to give up other than my words, and those are next. Not because I want to. I have to. I have nothing left.

My dreams are dead and I think it’s because I’m not meant to have anything. People take until they have what they want, then leave. Everyone forgets that maybe I’m struggling, because I don’t exist until I’m wanted for something.

The insecurity is crippling. The knowledge that I let my dream die again because I’m not strong enough is agonising. That what someone I care about told me is  fact  and I was too blind to see it hurts.  You were right –  always with the truth bombs.

The truth in the eyes of those I should never have to ask support from that it matters to no one but me – that I can’t deal with now.  I wish I had never exhumed my desire. I wish I’d never listened to those who told me I could. Because I can’t.   I’m a failure.

How the hell am I supposed to teach my kids to teach for the stars chained to the rotting corpse of my own dreams? It’s not even an option, and I can’t fight. I don’t have the energy.

It hurts.

I hurt.

I fucking HURT!!

I fucking HATE to cry

and I’m sitting here weak sister with no balls or a backbone and powerless to do anything about it. I swore I’d never be helpless again. Idiot. I’m so fucking stupid to believe in anything. I don’t even want to talk to anyone anymore. What’s the point.

Since you asked

How it feels:

Fingers clawed
Quasimodo reborn
Who needs a spoon when the
Tremors stir the tea in my cup?
You could consider it a silver lining
Every nerve is on fire
It burns like napalm frostbite
Even through sweat slick palms
Pharmaceuticals be damned
I fucking hate taking them.
Stabbing myself in the eye
Would bring quicker relief
But that means effort
And I like my eye
So I’ll wait.

©MelanieMcCurdie2016

Women in Horror Month 2016 – Featured Author: Melanie McCurdie @MelanieMcCurdie #WiHM7

Thank you Nina for this wonderful article ❤️ #WiHM7

Spreading the Writer's Word

Melanie McCurdie

Author_Melanie_McCurdie

I am a Canadian based writer who resides in Calgary, Alberta and blessed with two challenging boys. A Warrior Mom of Sam, aged 13 and DaveyB, aged 9, wife, administrator with The Twisted Path Group, writer with Visionary Press Collaborative, supporter of Independant Film and Publications, and a horror junkie with a taste for words, and bloodsauce.

I am proud to be in The Burbs, a radio serial by Liane Moonraven as the friendly, coffee loving Maria Sanchez. Listen on Spreaker Thursdays at 10 pm EST.

I can also be seen in the slasher film The Orphan Killer 2, Bound x Blood written and directed by Matt Farnsworth, available to rent on Vimeo VOD.

You can find Melanie and her work in the following places:

Author Page on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Melanie-McCurdie/e/B016C68GYC
Website: http://melaniemccurdie.wix.com/slayfulstories
Personal Blog: https://malevolantmajesty.wordpress.com/
The Twisted Path Website: http://thetwistedpathgroup.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/proseinbloodsauce/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/melaniemccurdie
Google+: http://google.com/+MelanieMcCurdieslayfulstories
LinkedIn: https://ca.linkedin.com/in/melanie-mccurdie-270299ba

reaper_separator

Guest Post by Melanie
Rotgut

I…

View original post 1,112 more words