Do you really expect me to still be the person I was? How is that possible? The years change everyone, be a little or a lot everyone changes. As we age we become less naive,harder, cynical even. It wasn’t something that we plan on. Certainly it’s not something I planned on way back when the world was open to me and my path was clear. Life at 44 is so much different from it was at 18, looking back, well what’s the point? The past is the past for a reason. It’s behind us for purpose.
If we don’t know the past well enough we are doomed to repeat it in the future. I don’t think that any one of us that can look back and say we didn’t know we were repeating ourselves. There is not one of us that can’t say we broke the circle, broke the cycle, some point in our lives and made a new path. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of all those things that hurt us. We learned from them, all too well in some cases. We learn to shut that door, nail it shut, then torture ourselves by watching from afar, because we can’t bear to be hurt again. Until we get hurt again and again. So I ask, how can I be expected to be the same person I was?
Realization is like plastic surgery. You’re peeling away layers and changing the way you appear to yourself. And it hurts, while it heals, the knives that you use to exercise those marks on your heart may leave bigger scars, but least it’s cathartic. Lessons leave their own marks. Wrinkles on the soul, wrinkles around the eyes, it’s just the way Time leaves its reminders.
Soon enough we add another year to the calendar. I’ll be glad for it to be honest. This has been the most confusing year of my life, and in some ways I want to hold onto it, but in the biggest way I want to kick in the balls and burn it alive. The best year and the worst year and still one I would torture myself to live again. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t change much, but I would make space for expansion.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda. I have few regrets, and most of that comes in the form of memories. Aching memories that have no resolution and never can, out of pride or spite I can’t say. It’s funny how we think that if we could go back in time we could change who we become. There’s really only one piece of advice I would give my younger self, and that’s for her ears only. Go talk to your own younger self.
Thanks for the ear. Can I buy you a drink?