y dyn cuddio

I can’t help but think of him

Even as I close my eyes
His face looms in my mind
Oh the way they glow
His eyes full of every terrible
Beautiful form of torture that exists
In our crazy fucked up world
And I know he would kill me
In kindness and in reality
In deliciously brutal fashion
And I know I would welcome it
As I did once upon a time
As much as I would now
Voluntary sacrifice to his embrace
Like exposing my throat to his rapier blade
Laughing as I bleed out
And begging for still more even as I die

I just can’t help but think of him

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White Flag

I hate I when I’m forced to hurt you
Given no choice to injure  feelings
Just to slam home the few truths
That you otherwise refuse to acknowledge
Like a power-driven ice pick in your heart
Don’t think for a moment it didn’t kill me
Hurt me worse than it did you
Even though my heart fell harder
When your face cracked in realisation
And the sobbing staggered your downturned lips
Don’t think for a second that I’m not shattered
That I’m not dying for the words I uttered
The pain you suffered was a death blow
You just can’t see that I can go no further
I have no fight and little life left in me
I’m just so tired, you see,
Of changing myself to please the world
When all I need is a soft place to fall apart
And to know I matter enough to be heard
Surrounded by strong arms in safety
Instead of the solitary soundproof cage I live in

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exegesis

You’ve killed every part
Of my now frigid heart
Once it was full of life
Breathed life into love
It was enough for you to overthrow loyalty
For opportunity
Once upon a time I believed in you
When I was more than simply an automaton
A toy for amusement
A pretty alphabetised garland of letters on a screen
Just a stupid game
Not real, I can’t possibly feel
But I do. And I am.
I’m not just a plaything
My body and mind exist
I may be now nothing more
Than a transparent facsimile
Cellophane. Invisible
A discarded illusion that feeds your fantasy
But each time those emotions flare
Burn. They ache and sting
I want to hate you
The ever pressing desire to cut you out
Be free of the encumbrances
That your existence uses to bind
The ability escapes me.
I cannot do unto you as you have me
And so I suffer heartburn of the soul
And prey each day that fate will quench it
Because I love you still
And would rather die than live knowing
I that I can never be rid of your lies

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Cover Created by Tim MillerTHUMBNAIL_IMAGE

The Freebase Song

It happening again
I swear I still feel you
It steals away my air
I swear I still hate you
I want to move forward
Your ghost just won’t let me

·

It laughs at me while I SCREAM

·

I wish you would fuck off
(Just get away from me)
You smell like death and candy
(The fuck away from me)
You make me want to die
(So get away from me)

·

Your Theory doesn’t fly
Don’t kill me with kindness
Then stab me with goodbye

·

I fucking hate your memory

·

This can’t happen again
I swear I still hate you
Leaving you behind me
I don’t feel you anymore
Your ghost just can’t stop me

·

It cries while I SCREAM

·

You smell like death and candy
(The fuck away from me)
You make me want to die
(So get away from me)

·

I fucking hate your memory

·

Your Theory doesn’t fly
Don’t kill me kindness
Then stab me with goodbye

·

Slayful Stories @2015the_twisted_path_group_MelanieMcCurdie

Cover Created by Tim Miller

Visit my webpage Slayful Stories

A Matt Farnsworth Film The Orphan Killer 2 Bound x Blood Full Fathom 5 Studios
A Matt Farnsworth Film
The Orphan Killer 2
Bound x Blood
Full Fathom 5 Studios

 

I’m sorry

I’m human and I don’t want to be these days.
I’m real even though you say different
Much as you deny it
I have feelings. I bleed.
Treatments hurt and I hide it
But I’m sorry if it bothers you
that I needed you

·
I’m not ugly and  I’m sorry that bothers you too
I’ve offered to change that.
Regret is the worst thing in the world
We hurt each other so often.
I failed you. But I tried.
It wasn’t enough and I’m sorry I’m still here
These days I’m so fucking sorry that
Sometimes it’s hard to keep breathing

·

 I’m still human and I’m so tired
But I’m still fighting every day
I’m sorry I can’t be more of what you expect
I’m in pain
and no one who hasn’t suffered understands
How you can lay in the dark and think
I’m just too far gone
I don’t think I can anymore.
I’m sorry.

Majesty – Fiends with Benefits

I’d been creating all day, my fingers flying over the keyboard as the music and the marijuana took me to another place, somewhere I could let go and be myself without worry or judgement. It may have been a fantasy but it was my own and the only true freedom I had from the ever watchful eyes of Reaper.  That bastard was everywhere and be damned if I was going to give him fodder for the family to use against me.   The crackling sounds that greets my ears as I arch my back in my chair tells me that I need to get my ass up and move, very soon, and twist my body where I sit, feeling the tension in my shoulders lessen slightly as I stretched. What I’d give for a strong pair of hands to massage the stress and strain out of my muscles, to play me like a violin but alas, I am in exile and the only pleasure available to me is by my own hand or in my little world where nothing was fattening and sex was always worth bragging about.  Where I could kill indiscriminately and without pretending remorse.

A knock at the front door drags me out of my reverie, and I sigh as I rise from my desk, padding barefoot down the hall. A shadow at the stairs stops me dead in my tracks, freezing my blood and shrinking my veins.  The sun shone brightly through the window scattering the darkness like fairy dust and stealing my breath away.  Another knock hurries me to the big oak door where the crudely made skull doorknob stands out in harsh relief. I grasp it and turn, placing my left hand on the frame to yank  it open, cursing the humidity as it gave and I staggered back a step.

“Fuck. Sorry, Hello?” I sing, feeling like a fool as I open the door wider to reveal an amused pair of chocolate-brown eyes,  along with the smile that lights up the face of the most handsome man I’d seen in a long time. “Hi, I’m from the city? I’m here to check the pipes? I heard they were clogged” he said, his smile widening as he scans his eyes down my body, lingering on the return trip. I laugh out loud, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him inside where I could hug him properly, and without prying eyes.

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I wrap my arms around him, standing on my tiptoes to reach his shoulders and squeeze him tightly to me. “Dammit you were supposed to warn me before you got here!” I growl good-naturedly, delighting in how his arms enclose me and how it feels like home. I couldn’t explain it, not to myself and not to anyone else – It just was and I was glad for it. “Nice clothes. Do you always open the door dressed like that” Jesus Jes, I could have been an axe murdering pervert.” I stare at him a moment, wondering if this man knew me at all then giggled, “Stop teasing. That’s hot…and maybe an axefall would break this fucking dry spell.” His smile retreats slightly, drawing in the corners of his full lips and dampening the delight that had his eyes sparkling just moments before, “I’m here now. We’ll get you fixed up. Speaking of which, nice work clothes. Doesn’t leave much to the imagination. “

I look down and blush. He was right, boy shorts and a sports bra didn’t leave much to the imagination but it has hot as hell, I’d worked hard for my body and I wanted to show it off some.  I  told him as much, before planting a light kiss on his lips and stepping out of his embrace. “C’mon pervert,  I’ll show you where you can lay your weary bones.” I started the long climb to the second floor, counting the steps as I did when I was little, pausing on thirteen to look over my shoulder and finding myself alone. “Well? Are you coming or not?” He stands there staring at me with the oddest expression, and with no response. I hate that. “HEY! Earth to Kip? Oh for…” I snarl under my breath, cursing the damned stairs yet again as I walk back down. His eyes follow my progress, boring holes into my brain with his gaze.

“Hey Kip, what’s the deal? Are you going to stand here all day?”

“Do you ever not ask questions?” he laughs, confusing me more, taking my hand and pulling me off my feet from the last stair into a hug that I willingly returned and with vigor.

“C’mon goofy, let’s get you settled. Put me down,” I giggle, feeling his smile against my neck and lightly slapping his shoulder as he loosens his hold, allowing me to slide to my feet and snatch up his bag. This time Kip followed, a few steps behind, commenting on the restoration that had been done before I moved in.  He marvels over the different decorative accents that I rarely notice, his voice faltering as I reach the landing at the top. I glance over my shoulder as he grabs my hand and holds me there while he climbs the remaining stairs that will bring us eye to eye. “Everyone misses you. They wish you’d come home,” he says quietly, cupping my chin so I can’t look away and I do anyway.  My eyes flicker here and there, desperately looking for a place to land so that I could throttle back the tears threatening to spill over.  Be damned if I was going to cry in front of him. “Look at me Majesty. You have to deal with it. All this,” he said sternly, waving his arm around, “is this helping? You’re alone in a place meant for a dozen. And you live where, down in your office. For chrissake Jes. Just come home.”

“I should have known. You didn’t come to see me – you came on their orders. I’m not going back there Kip. No force on Earth could convince me otherwise. I’ve stayed quiet.  I haven’t gone to the media,  although I easily could. How could you?” I spit at him, pulling free and dropping his bag at his feet, “You tried. You can go back and tell them you failed. Get out.” I nearly run to my bedroom and slam the door, sliding to the floor as I shattered. The tears I’d been fighting to hold back finally breaking free of their dam. “Damn it. DAMN IT. Why? Now I have leave again. I like this house.” I weep into my hands as silently as possible.  Even alone, I can’t stand the sound of my own misery.

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There is a sliding sound from the other side of the door, a muted thud and a sigh. “Here,” Kip murmurs, and I look down to see a misshapen kleenex poking from the gap under the door. I slide it out,  holding its coolness to my hot face as it drinks up the precious fluids from my skin.

“Thank you.”

“Jes, you always do this. Why cry alone? I’m here, and I did come to see you. Because I missed you. They don’t know where you are or where I am. Four connections to get here Jes. They can’t know. Can I come in, please?” His voice was killing me, making me feel like the worst person in the world and I rise to my knees to turn the knob and let him in.  He falls backwards, knocking his head on the floor at my knees and I giggle out loud, immediately regretting it as he rubs his noggin.

“Oh sweetie, sorry,” I chuckle, laying my hand on his chest, “Do you need an icepack? A doctor?” as I sit back down beside him, my legs curling in, I lean down to smile into his eyes. “No, I dont’ need ice and I don’t need a doctor. I need this,” he whispers, placing his hand on my neck and kissing me hard. All the old feelings came roaring back, and I kissed him back, feeling my body respond as it always had to his touch, to the sensation of his tongue licking my lips and his teeth biting gently.

“Kip,” I gasp, breaking the kiss and moving back, “No, I can’t,” knowing full well I could and God those lips.  I want to give in to that familiar ache. Kip rises to his knees, and tugs be back hard against his firm body, the rigidity of his excitement hot and demanding. Over and over he kisses me, as he slides his hands under my flimsy bra to cup my breasts, his fingers finding my hard nipples and squeezing , twisting until I nearly scream with want.

“No, Jes? Tell me no and I’ll stop, ” He pants in my ear as pinches harder, his other hand wrapping itself in my hair and bending my head back as he nips at my collar-bone and all I can do is sigh.  “Silence gives permission,” he growls as his teeth enclose around my nipple, tongue teasing the tip and sending a bolt of lightning straight to my pleasure centre.  Nothing else matters, not even the insistent ringing of the telephone can penetrate the bubble we are in.  Willingly, after too long without contact, I simply give in and let the world slip away.

ass2

I wake slowly, stretching languorously in my bed before reaching out to find the other side of the bed empty.  If it weren’t for the delicious ache in my thighs and the sting of my nipples I’d have thought it was a dream.  I could hear muffled talking from the hall and creep out of the warm sheets to the slightly open door.  Kip was talking on his cell, his tone low and cold, spitting the words in a growl.

“I’ve known her most my life and fucked her off and on for half.  I found her stockpile.  Proof at the least.  What do you want me to do?”

He was quiet a moment, and I can hear the smile in his voice, “Yeah, I can keep her occupied for a few more days.  I’m sure her family will be devastated…”  My family knows nothing of my whereabouts, of this I have made sure, and so this former flame of mine is a liar and a fraud.  He knows what we are.  He knows what I am.  And now I will have reason to end his life, although it aches and burns in my chest to have to do so.  Perhaps a welcome feast is in order I whisper to myself with a nod and I slip back between the sheets to wait for Kip’s deceitful return, something I was sure wouldn’t be long.  There would be others coming and in only a few days time.

“Jes?”  I don’t respond but simply lay still beneath the soft egyptian cotton sheet with my hands thrown over my head.   I was already considering my options when the warmth of his mouth presses lightly over my jugular, a familiar gesture that started my nerve endings gangling in anticipation. The last thing I need is to be swayed by the magic of his lovemaking but biology being what it is, I react and ruin the scenario that had been building in my mind.

“Kip.”

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Cover Created by Tim Miller

Death by Poetry ebook

 

 

#3

I am aware the sky seems blue

Many hands that make up that illusion

It is a glass ceiling and the false gods

Sound the all clear

All is fine

Be well

Nothing to see here

And we believe.

But they lie.

They built the walls,

I simply maintain them

Consider me the equivalent of  emotional mortar

All is not well in the land of infernal vision

The picture is coming in loud and clear

Hard and fast

Humanity is succumbing  too easily to unconventionality.

It’s not enough to accept without questioning why

Haven’t you considered that we are far too accepting  of the razors edge

Not crying out in pain simply because we are told that it isn’t blood

It’s roses

Malevolant_majesty_afraid

#2

Trapped like a rat

Like a monkey in a cage

Desperately Seeking Simeon

Subliminal messaging insists

There has to be a way out

Even though there is no door

Or window, not even  a tiny crack in floor

But keep trying because there must be door

The very definition of insanity

It’s like beating yourself in the head with a hammer

and trying to fix your eyeliner

Say fuck it

I’m beautiful and enjoy the carnage

Sometimes fighting it is more exhausting than the effort to accept it

Malevolant_majesty_afraid


 

#1

I despise the scrabbling sounds

Rats in the walls

Demons at the windows

Reminding me that I’m never alone

There’s always somebody here

And my skin hurts from smiling

And my bones whine

At least as much as I do

I’d just like to be alone for five minutes without my mask

It itches

Malevolant_majesty_afraid

#4

Every muscle fights to stay together

Trembling in the jigsaw jungle

Such a terribly beautiful thing to suffer

The complete breakdown of Reality’s failings

Written in a soul’s last fingerprints

Drying like blood on the bathroom wall

·

Sometimes that’s what letting go feels like

You’ve kept it there so long that it’s faded and frail

Sort of sad in a what a shame sort of way

Because once it was made of fire and passion

That burned like it had to heat the whole world

And now it hurts too much to look at and remember

Malevolant Majesty_edited-1