Ambivalence

Struck dumb by the smile
The dismissive snort
You laugh at my indecision
Profess it cute and shake your head
And it’s all I can do not to slide my hand through your hair
Grab a handful and slam your forehead into that wall
For daring to find my ambivalence endearing
I resist only because you’d forgive me
When I deserve so much less

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I wonder, if you knew what roams free in my head,
Those random thoughts that bounce and snarl, if you’d run screaming from me
So many have before, left me standing empty hearted and hollow inside
I’d run but live here

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Still you stand there, shaking your head, your smile eating your eyes
Speaking the same words you always do
Whenever I’m vulnerable
Stricken speechless
I can’t understand how you relate to my mind when it has something to say
Curse the words on my tongue
That are dying to fall from my lips
That becomes some glib comment or witty repartee

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I don’t know what to say
What’s the appropriate response
To a softer smile, your fingers brushing my cheek
That quiet murmur, when you tell me
It’s painful to watch someone so full of words
Struggle to speak
When no words are necessary


And all I can do is sigh

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ⒸMelanieMcCurdie2016