When I’m hurt, I come on strong, and there are no excuses or a need to play the blame game. We might as well drag it out into the light, screaming and clawing, if we have to.
I could say I am product of my generation, but that would be a lie, my generation are made of stronger stuff, and we were taught to be self sufficient, to “Suck it up Princess. Get over it.” I could also lay blame at the feet of my past, but to what point? I’ve learned my lessons, learned them very well, and incorporated it into the work in progress you see before you.
I was raised by passionate people, my Parental Units who taught me that life isn’t fair, it’s a study in agony and deceit, its about the small victories and the small pleasures. is. It’s the joy of seeing a job well done and feel pride for it. Its good friends and family, blood doesn’t matter, coming together for a common cause, and the pleasure felt in that kindred bond. It’s seeing the passion and inspiration brought to others through art, of all kinds. As a mother, it’s the delight in my HellSpawn’s eyes when he sees so little past his own thoughts, needs and wants, though no fault of his own.
We all have our struggles, our fights and skirmishes along the front lines, some of us are no stronger or better prepared than the soldiers stuck in foxholes, waiting to see if a grenade was going to send them streaming to the next world. Others of us stay strong in the face of adversity, sometimes faltering, failing, but always with the greater good in mind.
Lessons. There are always lessons to be learned, and you must be open to it. The day we stop learning is the day we die, each day is full of new and wonderful things, if you are willing to open your eyes and see. In my years of life, I have learned much. There are things I am willing to share with my brethren, my loved ones, and some I will take to my pyre with me when I leave this world for the next.
One such lesson is this. One I have had to learn early on: There are times when you must simply say die. Submit to whatever life is handing you and scream uncle as it holds you down and has its way with you. You cannot change what has been, only look forward to what will come. If that means that you are not there to see the joy that is to come, so be it. Loss is a part of this game of life we play. Grief has opened my own peepers and shown me this truth, handed me this gift on a blood-soaked platter for my appraisal and perusal.
Pride is a double edged machete, and it can cut you or protect you. I have pride, in each and every one of my family. They are all unique and individual as precious jewels glittering in the moonlight. To see their treasure chest open and the opulent delights that spill forth from their darkness is a sight to behold and one I hold dear to my heart. Pride also is keeping me from being true to myself, from being secure in my own needs and wants.
If you don’t know me by now, here is a truth for you. I will never ask for a thing. From anyone. If by chance I do ask, it is at great sacrifice to my own soul. I make giant efforts to be an open book and to simply be. Honesty is my policy; be truthful with me and you shall reap the benefits of my essence. Show me untruths and I will just simply walk away, and grieve that loss of trust alone. I understand that Bottling yourself is a dangerous and most volatile practice, and it leads to explosions of epic proportions, but again, for the greater good.
I try, my brethren, to bring you all the encouragement and support I have to give. I will cut my own heart out and hand it to you still beating if that is what you require to make it through another day. I promise that practice will continue, as we journey on the Path together. What lies before us? No one knows, but I will be there to hold your hand, Your heart, your soul if that is what it takes.
What you see before you is exactly as I am; Steel, covered with flesh, only human, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, always with my Machete Raised, Dark Governess.